


The Dick Pic

by Vorcha_Girl



Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Crack, Dick Jokes, Dick Pics, Drunken Shenanigans, Fluff, Fluff and Crack, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-16
Updated: 2017-11-16
Packaged: 2019-02-03 07:20:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,362
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12743646
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Vorcha_Girl/pseuds/Vorcha_Girl
Summary: Kaidan sends a rather unfortunate text to Shepard while drunk. Luckily, Shepard definitely doesn't mind ;)





	The Dick Pic

**Author's Note:**

  * For [BlueTeaParty](https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlueTeaParty/gifts), [bioticfox (ayambik)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ayambik/gifts).



**A/N - This was written for Kaidan Appreciation Week on Tumblr, and encouraged by the Mass Effect Writers Circle on Discord - who are all to blame, though I especially have to thank bioticfox and blueteaparty who actively encouraged me to write this and discussed HC with me. This is also my first ever mShenko fic.  Enjoy!**

_**(Disclaimer: for the record, I don't think dick pics are funny or good in most instances - they're a form of harassment if sent to someone who doesn't want them. But if your partner happens to enjoy them, well then, that's a different story. Play safe!)** _

* * *

 

**Kaidan - Saturday 0800 hours**

Kaidan sat up with a groan, clutching his head as light from the overhead fluorescent bulbs in the hotel room reached unsympathetic fingers between his eyelids as he pried them open. A migraine pounded through his head, squeezing his brain, an unfortunate side effect of over-indulging the night before. He sat up slowly, and rubbed a hand across his gritty eyes; his mouth tasted like stale whiskey, beer nuts, and regret.

Nausea rolled through him, and with a louder groan he stumbled to the bathroom to rid his stomach of the previous nights contents. He rinsed his mouth out when he was done, and splashed his face with water, pausing to glance into the mirror. God, he looked a mess; pale, shadows under his eyes, and in desperate need of a shave.

The previous night of his shore leave was a blur. A horrible, horrible blur. He could remember drinking with John and Joker. Dancing with John and making out on the dance floor. Drinking even more with Joker after John had gone home and then … . Oh no. OH NO. Kaidan fumbled for his omni-tool as a memory surfaced with horrible, terrible, crystal clear clarity.

He'd drunk messaged John.

He knew he had.

He'd been talking to Joker about his relationship with John and lamenting that they weren't more intimate with one another. Blaming himself that their relationship so far been snatched moments in between missions; breathless kisses in the cargo bay, the odd dinner date in the starboard observation lounge, and late night movies in Shepard's cabin. But every time things started to get physical between them, every time the clothes started to come off and hands started to roam … Kaidan found himself freezing up.

Riddled with doubts.

John was a player after all, and he enjoyed his conquests. The lingering fear that this thing between them wasn't real kept eating away at Kaidan. Why would someone like John, someone who was exciting, handsome, and popular, be interested in him? Kaidan Alenko? He was quiet, sensible, and shy. Not exactly the kind of man who John had seemed interested in in the past.

So he'd poured his heart out to Joker as they drank. Told him how he wished he could let his boyfriend know that he wanted to be intimate, that he wanted to relax, that he wanted to take their relationship to the next level. And as he'd talked he'd had more and more and more to drink. He'd taken shots of whiskey as Joker offered them up, and taken beer after beer.

The night had become a blur of liquor, bright lights, and, he was certain, terrible advice from Joker. He could vaguely remember his friend grinning as he told him that he should do something to show John what kind of a man he really was. That he was daring and exciting, and that he cared about him and wasn't afraid to get physical.

Kaidan's eyes widened and the migraine receded from sheer shock as he frantically opened his messages from the previous night. He could remember stumbling to the bathroom intending to send John just such a message, but surely, surely, his memory wasn't right. Sure he wasn't remembering correctly.

Kaidan opened the message in question and froze in horror as he scanned over the previous nights communications to John.

He'd sent a dick pic.

_A dick pic._

He'd never sent anything like that in his life! Not to anyone!

The accompanying text message was garbled, drunken, but seemed to be his attempt to tell John that he loved him.

 _Oh god. Oh dear god no,_ Kaidan thought as he stared in horror at the image of his erect dick on the screen in front of him, unable to believe he'd done such a thing. How drunk had he been? Why hadn't Joker stopped him?

Underneath his dick pic was a reply from John. Short. To the point.

_We need to talk. Come see me at your leisure._

_\- John_

Panic seized him. He'd never even taken a dick pic before, and he couldn't understand why he would have sent one to John last night, couldn't understand why the thought would have even occurred to him. Unless … his eyes narrowed and his jaw tightened as he remembered Joker's playful expression and sneaky smile last night.

Joker.

Somehow this had been his idea; he was sure of it.

* * *

 

**Joker - Saturday 0900 hours**

Joker knew Kaidan would come looking for him after the previous evening's events, but he hadn't expected to see him so early in the morning. After the amount the biotic had imbibed, he'd expected him to be comatose for most of the next day, but instead he found himself awake at the crack of dawn with a furious spectre on his doorstep.

 _How much did Kaidan remember?_ He wondered.

“Morning, Major.” Joker waved him inside, trying not to laugh as Kaidan stomped past him, clearly agitated. “Can I get you anything? Coffee? Bacon-”

“What the hell happened last night?” Kaidan broke in, his eyes flashing. “And don't tell me nothing!”

“Well,” Joker sat down and rubbed his temples, he had a hangover and his head was aching, but he wasn't above drawing this out just a little bit. He loved his friend, but Kaidan was too much fun to torment. “The bar fight was something to behold. Those batarians were clearly up to no good, and when they came at you on the dance floor, I knew I had to step in.”

The other man's face darkened. “Batarians?” he asked flatly. “What batarians?”

“Oh you don't remember? Well they were looking to start trouble-”

“And there was a fight?” Kaidan asked, his voice equally flat and dry as he interrupted him.

Joker grinned. “Well, a dance fight. I had to bust out my best moves to save your butt-”

The biotic groaned as he realised Joker was playing with him. “Come on, man! You know why I'm here! Stop bull shitting me!”

“I haven't got a clue!” He blinked innocently. “We had a nice night, I helped you with your relationship problems-”

Kaidan's eyes flashed, and he knew the game was up. “And just how, exactly, did you help me with my relationship problems?” He stood up and rounded on his friend. “Hmm? Because I just happened to send an inappropriate message to John and now he wants to see me.”

Joker snickered before he could stop himself, and he tried and failed to hide his smirk. “Inappropriate, huh?”

“Yes!” Kaidan hissed quietly, as though he were worried the conversation would be overheard. “I sent him a ...” he trailed off and blushed. “A dick pic!”

“A dick pic? Just one?” Joker grinned. “I did tell you send him a couple and jazz your penis up with some stick on googly eyes. Please tell me you did the googly eyes thing-”

The biotics eyes flashed blue and loomed over him with his clenched fists. “You. Did. What?” He bit out slowly. “No, I did not put googly eyes on my … on my … on my dick. And why would you tell me to do that, anyway? Thanks to you and that stupid message, John says we need to talk! _Need to talk!_ That's code for break up! You're such an idiot, Jeff!”

The poor guy looks so flustered, Joker thought, not put off by his display of temper, and he grinned easily. “Nah, Shepard likes sexy texts, and you wanted to impress him. Trust me. He isn't going to be mad that his boyfriend send him a sexy snap-”

“A dick pic is not a sexy snap.” Kaidan snapped as he whirled around and stalked away. “I swear, if John dumps me because of this, I'm going to tell everyone you're a light weight who can't handle your drink.”

Joker watched him go, grinning the entire time, then took out his omni-tool and texted Garrus and Vega an update on the situation. Honestly, it was about time that Kaidan and John finally just did the deed and released the tension between them. The fact that both of them were working so hard to impress the other was almost hilarious.

He shook his head slowly and poured himself a coffee. “Ah, young love.”

* * *

 

**Shepard – Saturday 0400 hours**

John blinked bleary eyes as an alert on his omni-tool dragged him from his sleep. Normally he had the thing set to silent mode at night, but either he'd forgotten to turn it off, or it was one of the people for whom he took calls at any time of the night. He looked down as it went off again, and flicked it on; it was from Kaidan.

He opened the message … and froze.

For a moment, his eyes didn't quite focus on the flesh coloured image which he was staring down at, didn't quite make sense of it. Then ... he saw it all at once.

A dick pic.

Kaidan had sent him a dick pic,

He glanced at the message below it and his eyebrows shot up, a smile curving his lips as he took in the general gist of the drunken message; _Kaidan_ had sent him a dick pic and he seemed to be trying to say that he loved him. Such behaviour was as uncharacteristic as it was unexpected, but, and John smiled as he saved the image, it certainly wasn't unwelcome.

Grinning, he typed out a reply that he wanted to talk to Kaidan at his leisure, and then tried to get back to sleep, though it was hard when his body was suddenly aching and hot. Normally he would have got himself off, but after Kaidan's message it seemed possible that he and his boyfriend might finally be able to do that together.

And _that_ was certainly worth waiting for.

* * *

 

**Kaidan – Saturday 1000 hours**

He found John at the hotel pool swimming laps. The pool was on the very top level of the hotel, and there was a wonderful view of the Citadel from up here. Normally Kaidan would have enjoyed such a beautiful view, but today all he could think about was the fact that his boyfriend wanted to see him, and that he was probbaly going to break up with him.

His stomach churned sickeningly as John caught sight of him and stopped swimming. He heaved himself out of the pool, water cascading down his sculpted body and waved. John flicked his eyes up and their gazes locked for a moment, time standing still like it always did, then he walked across and took the towel that Kaidan offered.

“Morning,” Kaidan mumbled nervously, dropping his gaze and shifting his weight, trying not to let his eyes linger on the small trail of hair that disappeared into the speedos John was wearing.

“Morning, Kaidan,” John returned easily, his tone neutral. He toweled himself dry, seemingly oblivious to the effect he had on Kaidan in state of near undress, though Kaidan suspected he knew just how attractive and alluring he was. “Did you enjoy the rest of your night out?”

John's mouth twitched slightly, as though he were fighting not to smile.

_Did he find this funny?_

“Uh, kind of.” He swallowed and squared his shoulders, deciding to get this over with as fast as possible, like ripping off a band-aid. “Look, about the message I sent you-”

“Yes, about that.” John tossed the towel over his shoulder. “I was susprised to get your, erm, _package_.”

Kaidan could feel himself turning bright red as heat flushed up his neck and cheeks. “I … oh god, John. I don't normally send things like that to people. I've never … I mean … I don't … _I was drunk_!” He gasped desperately and flung out his hands in distress. “It was Joker's fault.”

The Commander raised an eyebrow. “So, I have Joker to thank, huh?”

“Thank Joker?” he parroted. “Wait, you're not … angry?”

“Angry?” John abruptly grinned, and he stepped closer, sliding his arms around Kaidan's waist. “Baby, you're adorable when you're flustered. And no, I wasn't mad when I got your text last night.” He grinned. “I didn't know you had it in you to be so … _naughty_.”

“ _Naughty_?! But-”

Kaidan's words were muffled as Shepard bent closer and kissed him, a warm press of his mouth and a velvety hot slide of tongue. The other man was warm and strong, slightly damp from the pool, but that meant nothing when it seemed that he wasn't about to dump him for sending an inappropriate text message.

John pulled away and gave him a squeeze. “In fact, to show you just how _not angry_ I am, I'll take you out for lunch today, and we can see how the rest of the day plays out, huh?”

Kaidan smirked and a warm flush of arousal swept through him. “That sounds … perfect.”

Shepard wiggled his eyebrows as they broke away from each other. “Well, until lunch then.” He blew him a kiss and headed towards the change rooms.

Kaidan watched him go with a smile, and then walked towards the lifts. He almost jumped when his omnit-tool buzzed a moment later. It was a message from John, the subject of which read: One more thing...

 _Had he changed his mind? Was lunch off?_ He wondered as he opened the message … then laughed before he could stop himself.

Shepard had sent him a dick pic.

* * *

 

**A/N - I love these boys! They were a lot of fun to write about, even if Joker is a jerk. I hope you liked this.**

 


End file.
